Top Tips for Handling Married Couples' Finances

If you don’t think that money can be a stumbling block on the quest for true love, maybe you just haven’t watched enough romantic comedies. From the 1930s to the present, rom-coms are chock full of marrying for money (or breaking up based on the lack of it), lavish expenditures, bankruptcies, rich fathers, maxed out credit cards and — lately — student loans and post-Recession economic woes.

Just as in the movies, it doesn’t seem to matter whether the stress in your relationship comes from having too much money or not having enough. In fact, according to a 2015 survey by SunTrust bank, nearly half of couples — regardless of income — reported that their spending habits were different from their partner’s. That discrepancy may understandably cause relationship stress. Over a third of survey respondents claimed that money was at the root of their problems.

That gives financial advisors a front-row seat on couples’ money drama: from clashing expectations and different values to circumstance-driven stressors like lost jobs, bad investments and unforeseen medical expenses. Even what might be assumed to be a positive — a family inheritance, investment property or a trust fund — can easily drive a wedge between a couple if they don’t share the same perspective on how to manage the asset.

Here are a few proactive ways to ensure that your strategy for managing couples in discord rises above mere damage control. (For related reading, see: How Advisors Can Help Couples Agree on Finances.) 

As an advisor, you probably already know that conflicts about money are often really about issues other than money. By asking questions that help you get to know a couple — about their dreams, goals, interests and backgrounds — you’ll have a more global perspective to draw upon when friction does arise. If one spouse’s retirement dream is buying a yacht and the other’s is moving to Hawaii to save endangered sea turtles, your job is to find a reasonable way to convert those dreams into a single, actionable plan with solid financials. Understanding what motivates and drives each person will help you not only build and protect their assets, but it will also stave off a situation where one spouse feels that their goals and desires are compromised.

That psychologist’s mindset extends to your clients' family background. A successful client who scrupulously saves — yet refuses to invest in more profitable, higher-yield funds — may harbor fear of loss and risk that comes from a poverty-stricken childhood or a parent who gambled away the family home. Remember that with couples, you’re dealing with two separate adults with complex family histories that may be widely divergent in how they dealt (or neglected to deal) with finances. Being sensitive to hot-button emotional issues will allow you to help couples feel they’re on the same team with the same goals, regardless of how they were raised to deal with money. (For more, see: Top 6 Marriage-Killing Money Issues.)

When friction about money arises between two people, it doesn’t always reflect something deeper than a simple lack of communication. That’s why asking questions is so important: advisors who open up a dialogue between a couple facing money issues may find that even basic questions may have gone unaddressed.

Misunderstanding may be more the result of benign ignorance than that of actual disagreement. Sometimes it takes an outside party to help address what is unsaid but may be the proverbial elephant in the room, stealthily undermining a couple’s financial goals. You may be surprised by how many couples, prior to marrying or moving in together, fail to directly address expectations around debt, budgets, and each partner’s role contributing to the family income. While 41% of couples in the SunTrust survey reportedly took more than three months to discuss financial issues, 7% admitted that they never discussed finances at all.

Much of what couples say about money while meeting with an advisor may not be said at all. Watch for telltale body language like crossed arms — a classic defensive pose — or eye rolls, which usually spell frustration at best and disrespect at worst. Rather than confronting such behavior, a nonjudgmental acknowledgement of a client’s feelings helps to dissolve tension and encourage the frustrated party to speak up. (For related reading, see: Kids or Cash: The Modern Marriage Dilemma.)

If a couple simply won’t open up during conversation, ask them to separately write down their financial goals. The act of writing, especially by hand, can encourage objectivity and empathy. People are more apt to reflect when they write, whereas speaking can lend itself to more impulsivity, which can lead to the kind of heated discussions that are ultimately unproductive for your clients — and for your business relationship.

When couples dig in their heels, it may be time to focus on the numbers. Perhaps each spouse refuses to compromise on their ideals: one wants to save their money for travel in retirement and send the kids to in-state public schools, the other wants to sink the bulk of it into college savings funds to bankroll pricey tuition at the mother’s Ivy League alma mater. While these spouses may be unwilling to give up ground when the conflict is framed like this, they’re more likely to open up dialogue about cold, hard numbers. By sticking to the figures, you might surprise your clients by finding a solution that humors them both — without ever picking ideological sides. (For related reading, see: How to Advise Clients Who Marry Later in Life.)